Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
