i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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