Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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