WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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