I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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