Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
