New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
