I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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