Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
