dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
