You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
