Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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