i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
