Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
