I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
