Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
