I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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