Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
