For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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