you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Randomize
