I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize