That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
