Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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