Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
