im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
