Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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