Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
