As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
