Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
