So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
