Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
