I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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