hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
