apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize