Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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