I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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