Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
