My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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