Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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