i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
