So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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