Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
