i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
