omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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