You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
