you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
