Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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