Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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