Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
