you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
