2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
