listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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