Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
