Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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