if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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