How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
